AUGUSTA, Ga — With the Master’s Tournament just a few days away, the coordinators of the major golf championship have unveiled a major change for this year’s competition.
Rather than riding through the course on a standard golf cart, five skilled golfers with the best scores at the start of the third round will travel on Porsches, Lamborghinis, and Mustangs. These cars will come fully stocked with snacks, drinks, Sirius radio, selfie sticks, and supermodels waiting in the passenger seat.
In contrast, the lowest-scoring golfers will commute from one hole to another in a Ford Aztek, a Dodge Nitro, and—for one un-lucky player who really “drops the ball”—a 1980 Ford Pinto that one of the groundskeepers kept in his backyard to use as a large birdhouse.
The rest of the competitors in the tournament will use standard golf carts.
“We’re very excited to introduce this fun twist to the tournament this year,” said a Master’s spokesperson. “We always seek out new ways to partner with local businesses, as well as major corporations that have donated to the competition in the past, to make each tournament unique and interesting.”
“I’m psyched for the sweet ride,” said one very confident competitor. He added, “Honestly, though, I don’t know whether I’m more excited about the car or the ‘likes’ I’m gonna get on my Instagram account.”
Not everyone is excited, however. One well-known golfer bluntly stated that “if I have to get behind the wheel of a Pinto I’ll drive myself right off a cliff.”
In light of these new additions, some local golf cart companies have chosen to accessorize their own vehicles with be-dazzled hub caps, flashy paint jobs, and heated seats.
When asked why they chose to include heated seats during a season that is historically very warm, the manufacturers said “oh darn” and that they may need to re-think that costly alteration.
In addition to creating a flashier, more interesting tournament, Masters representatives pointed out the immense amount of time they will be able to save by allowing the competitors to drive in full-speed vehicles for the first time.
“It will be much faster—for the most part,” said a representative. “We thought about including a Fiat in our lineup, but found it was actually faster and more reliable to let the golfers walk on foot.”
The final twist of the tournament was originally set to be a surprise, but officials allowed the information to leak to the press early for April Fools.
“We are thrilled to introduce the Pimento Cheese-mobile!” Susan Prankster, director of marketing for the Masters, said enthusiastically. “This year’s green jacket will leave the field in a state-of-the-art, 10-foot-tall vehicle in the shape of our world-famous Pimento Cheese Sandwich.”
She went on to say that the cheese—produced from an ultra-secret recipe—is baked directly into the paint on the exterior of the vehicle. The Cheese-mobile even emits the faint, mouth-watering odor of Pimento Cheese when the car is running.
“I’m really excited to see that incredible ride come through the drive-through this year after the tournament,” said one ecstatic Krispy Kreme employee.